SomeSoulSearching

I once read about  “tall women”. And I was fascinated with how tall some women could really be. And I didn’t have to travel far to find them mind you. Tall women are all around me. Leaving your heart with someone across the globe and coming back home to care for your parents; living every waking moment with the memory of the stillborn you carried for nine months; doing good to people who wronged you; giving up your dreams and helping your kids build theirs; doing all you can to keep family members together. These are but a few of what the tall women in my life have been up to. And I pray they always walk tall.

Caroline Essame’s “being a good enough (insert role here)” seems to ring truer every passing day. Trying to be ‘the best’ or ‘perfect’ is a serious waste of energy. And striving for that does nothing but boost an already giant ego, I believe. Who determines the baseline anyway? All is very subjective. Being a good enough person, a good enough sister, a good enough daughter, a good enough friend. Just being good enough is good enough.

My music teacher rekindled some of the devotion I once upon a time had for performing arts. I had blocked out the importance of discipline, focus and self-confidence in performing arts. The importance of sometimes shutting down traditional sense organs and just figuring out what other parts of the body are sensing. It does not really make sense, I know. The best explanation I can think of is when the grandma in Ballroom Dancing asks the main character  to dance and show her where he can feel the beat. And he realises he feels it somewhere near his stomach. Anyway, I am happy with the way my fingers are starting to strum my sitar strings.

Being pleasant to some people is really draining. And yet we are all quite well-versed in it, even the most cynical of us. We all play the game – the polite nod instead of the “are you kidding me?!”, the “so, how have you been?” instead of the “I hate you!”, the “hmm hmm” instead of “just shut up”, the “oh i’m so happy for you!” instead of “arggh, that should have been me!”. I tried to picture what life would be like if only I could just drop being nice. I was surprised. The picture didn’t appear blissful. More like sad and boring.

Plagiarism is rampant. If systems like IVLE do not put a ‘stolen’ label on what comes out of you, it doesn’t mean you get the green light to pass others’ ideas, beliefs, quotes or even dreams, as yours. Seriously. It can still be rationalised why a school-going kid would plagiarize a piece of school work. But personality theft? that’s just sad. Milk your grey matter for your own ideas, listen to your heart and figure out your own beliefs, and dream your own dreams. It’s really worth it, I swear. And if finally you still prefer mine, then just acknowledge they are not yours. Not to boost my ego, but to be true to yourself.

“Bow down low and be humble; then you will know life’s meaning.” – Amma
I tried to apply this before, but the wrong way. See, I ‘pretended’ to be humble. FYI, in case you decide to pull what I did, it will backfire and slap you in the face. Pretending to be humble is still Ego hard at work! So i tried it again. I got but a glimpse of what I think Amma meant, because that’s just how big an ego i carry i guess. I’m not really sure what it was i felt, or how to describe it. So i won’t. But i’ll be working more on it.

The rumbling of thunder has been going on for almost 2hrs now. Hopefully it won’t be much longer before a beautiful rain performance.

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